Jewish Humor and Jokes


         

Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

 
 
 
 

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Abraham's Ultimate Test

And it came to pass after these things that G*d did test Abraham. And He said to him "Abraham!" And Abraham replied "Hineni - (here I am)". And He said, "Take your computer, your old computer, your 286; and install upon it an operating system, a new operating system, Windows95, which I will show to you."

And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass. He loaded his computer, his old computer, his 286, on the ass And he took two of his young men with him and Issac his son. And he rose up and went to the place where G*d had told him, there to find Windows95.

Then, on the third day, Abraham lifted his eyes and saw Windows95 from afar. And Avraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and load Windows95 on our 286, and come again to you". And Abraham took his computer, his old computer, his 286, and laid it on Issac his son. And they went both of them together.

And Issac spoke to Abraham his father, and said, "My father". And he replied, "Hineni - Here I am my son". And Issac said, "Windows95 requires far more memory than a 286 has, how will it possibly run on your machine?"

And Abraham looked at his son, his only son, whom he loved; and he shook his head slowly, and in perfect faith and with unswerving trust and belief in the Almighty, he said, "Fear not, Issac my son, G*d will provide the ram."

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Definition of a Jewish Joke

A joke that a Gentile won't get,
    and
A joke that a Jew has heard and knows how to tell it better.

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Deli Waiter

Two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish.

A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.

The Jewish men were dumbfounded. Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish, they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

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DID YOU KNOW THAT...

A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock is really cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eating right. Staying fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

A shin is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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Progress in Women's Lib

Barbara Walters had done a story on sex roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."

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Bush and the Burning Moses

George W. Bush, while in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses".

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses".

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert".

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Sounds Like my Wife

A Frenchman, a German and a Jew are lost in the desert, wandering for days.

The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The German says, "I'm tired and I'm thirsty. I must have beer."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and I'm thirsty. I must have diabetes."

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Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

The Jewish Mag presents an Educational Break:

Common English Expression with the Chinese Equivilents:

Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man -- Dum Gai

Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution. -- Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum

I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei

I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive. -- Yu stin ki pu

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Makes Sense!

Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife. The postmaster says "this package is too heavy -- you'll need another stamp.

Moishe replies "And that will make it lighter?"

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Seat Hog?

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

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@ # @ # @ # @ # @ #

Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the May 2000 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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