The Jewish Magazine Humor Page.
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to dinner with
During dinner, He told them, "I need three important people to send my
message to all people. Tomorrow I will destroy the earth!"
Yeltsin immediately called together his new cabinet and told them,
"I have two very bad news items for you-
1. God really exists, and
2. Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."
Clinton called an emergency joint session of Congress and told them,
"I have good news and bad news-
1. Good news-God really exists, and
2. Bad news -- Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."
Bill Gates went back to MicroSoft and happily announced,
"I have two FANTASTIC announcements-
1. I AM one of the three most important people on earth, and
2. The Year 2000 problem is solved!"
"If your parents never had children,
chances are you won't either."
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
Dont take life so seriously....you'll never get out of it alive
Sometimes I think I understand everything.......
Then I regain conciousness
Everytime I think about exercise,
I lie down til the thought goes away.
Eat dessert first!! ..........after all, life is uncertain!!
Are We That Bad??
Two attendants walking down hall in nursing home. Little old lady comes to
the door and says to them, "can you please help me and the old man here--our
lap tops are locked up again."
The two attendant go inside their room and
says to them "now remember Mr. and Mrs. Smith. You
have to hold it upside down and shake it to re boot"
As the attendants continue on down the hall, one looks at the other and
says, "I wonder if they will ever realize we gave them an "Etch a Sketch?"
The heaviest element
known to science was discovered recently by
physicists at the Naval Research Laboratory in
Jerusalem, Israel. Studies made at the Kennest
revealed that the element, tentatively named
Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus
has an atomic number of Zero. However, it does have 1
neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons,
and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an
atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held
together in a nucleus by a force that involves the
continuous exchange of meson-like particles called
morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium
is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as
it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of
Administratium caused one reaction to take over four
days to complete, when it would normally occur in
less than one second. Administratium has a normal
half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time it
does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice
neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons change places.
Some studies have shown that the atomic weight
actually increases aftereach reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that
Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It
tends to concentrate at certain points such as
government agencies, large corporations,
universities, and the United Nations. It can actually
be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known
to be toxic at any
level of concentration and can
easily destroy any positive reactions where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to
determine how Administratium can be controlled to
damage, but results to date are not promising.
The Lone Ranger and his Injun Companion, Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a restaurant one day and sat down to
eat. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns
the big white horse outside."
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his
gunbelt, and said, "I do, why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and
said "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was
dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him
drink it and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run
Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe" and took off running circles
around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
returned to the restaurant to finish his meal.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the restaurant and
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again,
claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him,
"Nothing much, I just wanted you to know........You left your Injun
Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who
reside close to each other and do constant welfare
checks on each other. Much of their relationship
is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship
or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul
opens the morning paper and turns to the obituary page.
He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own
obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for
info on him by the local newspaper several months
earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly
surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their
database, premature and erroneous..
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up.
"Jake, are you up yet?"
Jake sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now
starting my coffee."
"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!"
"All right, don't be such a pain in the butt so early in
the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's
"Jake, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Jake, read the story on the bottom of the column
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop
yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long
silent pause ensues.
Finally, Jake comes on the line quietly and fearfully,
"So Saul, tell me, where are you calling me from right now?"
What goes faster than a Ferrari????
A young man goes out and buys a 1999 Ferrari GTO .
It is the best and most expensive car available in the
world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin
and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped
(both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The
old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and
asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. They cost
about a half million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says
the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an
hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty
nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old
man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
speedometer reads320mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view
mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it
could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going
much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!"
the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction!
And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't
be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!
Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car,
demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS
the old man!!!
Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He
runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there
anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my
suspenders from your side-view mirror!
"Modern Mottos and Thoughts for your day"
1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
4. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
5. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
6. I doubt, therefore I might be.
7. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
8. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
9. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
10. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
12. A fool and his money are soon partying.
Some Eternal Thoughts
1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ?
3. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
4. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
6. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
7. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
8. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
9. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Dyslexics have more fnu
Clones are people, two
Entropy isn't what it used to be
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor
Anything free is worth what you pay for it
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Editing is a rewording activity
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure
My reality check just bounced
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway
Boycott shampoo... Demand REAL poo!
IRS - Be audit you can be
Send Us Your Favorite Jokes