Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page

    May 2011            
Search the Jewish Magazine Site: Google


Search our Archives:

Opinion & Society


Moishe Plotnik's Laundry

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners . . .

. . . when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Laundry."

"Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown?"

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard-looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts, and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.

The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry'?"

The old man answered, "Ah . . ., evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner."

Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?"

"It me; me him!" replied the old man.

"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?"

"It simple," said the old man. "Many, many year ago I come to thes country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immiglation.' Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland.

Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What your name?' He say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.'

Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'

(are you ready for this?)

(are you certain that you can handle the punch line?)


I say, 'Sam Ting.'"

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

Confusions Says:

Man who run in

Front of car get tired.


Man who run behind

Car get exhausted.


Man with one

Chopstick go hungry.


Man who scratch butt

Should not bite fingernails.


Man who eat many prunes

Get good run for money.


War does not

Determine who is right, war determine who is Left.


Wife who put

Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse.


Man who live in

Glass house should change clothes in Basement.


Man who fish in

Other man's well often catch crabs.


Crowded elevator

Smell different to midget.


* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

A cowboy came to heaven ...

A cowboy appeared before the heavenly court. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit to enter heaven?" the angel asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face. Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'"

The angel was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Couple a minutes ago ... "

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

The True Lesson to be Learned...

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

The Afghan Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.


He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.


Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.


"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !"

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

Oxygen on Mars?

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: To determine whether there is oxygen on the planet. 'Give me the box of matches,' says one.

'Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens.' He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his seven arms. 'No, no, don't!'

The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? Still, the astronaut takes up the match and prepares to strike it.

Suddenly, a crowd of hysterical Martians come, all waving their arms: 'No, please no, don't do that! STOP! Please!'

One of the astronauts says, 'This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless, we're here for science, to know if humans can breathe on Mars.' So . . . He strikes the match -- which flames up, burns down, and... NOTHING HAPPENS!

So then he turns to the Martians and asks, ' Why did you want us to not strike a match?'

The leader of the Martians steps forward and says, "Today is Shabbos!"

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

Good Health to All

Ahmed, the Arab, came to the United States from the far off desert in the Middle East, and he was here only a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an little old Jewish doctor with a great reputation who told him: 'Take dees bocket, go into de Odder room, poop in de bocket, den pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Ahmed scratched his head and took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"

The doctor said ... "You were homesick."

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

Speaking of Dying...

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket .

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

Of Death and Desires...

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when friends of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'

Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to think that he was a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

In the Restaurant...

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'

Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *


from the May 2011 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

Please let us know if you see something unsavory on the Google Ads and we will have them removed. Email us with the offensive URL (