Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page



   
    January 2011            
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Back Off....

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkle cookies.

Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

"Back off!" she said, "They're for the shiva."

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Oldie One, but Goodie

Many years ago, in a little Stetle not far from Vilna, there lived two women, Mrs. Lerner and Mrs. Katz. Each had a very beautiful daughter. They had very high hopes for the daughters. When the time came, Mrs. Lerner and Mrs. Katz traveled to Vilna and hired the most expensive matchmaker they could find. This matchmaker found for them two very promising rabbinical students.

Some months later, on a beautiful summer day, the rabbinical students boarded a coach and headed out to meet the families. Quite unexpectedly there arose a violent thunderstorm. There was a lightening strike not far from the coach spooking the horses who ran off the road overturning the coach. Sadly, one of the rabbinical students suffered a fatal blow to the head, but the other decided to continue on.

When the young man arrived alone, the two ladies began to argue over which rabbinical student had survived. There was nothing to be done but to appeal to their wise old rabbi.

Hearing their story, the rabbi said, "We must apply the wisdom of Solomon. I will cut the rabbinical student in half."

"Please, no, G-d forbid!" cried Mrs. Lerner.

"So - cut him in half," said Mrs. Katz.

"You, Mrs. Katz," declared the wise old rabbi, "are the true mother-in- law."

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Shirley's Blind Date

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate Shirley

"Terrible!" Shirley answered. "He showed up in a 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive and fancy car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

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Schkip this if you don't know Yiddish...

The importance of the letters "SH" in YIDDISH

Wihout them how would you say words like.....

SHMOK
SHLEPER
SHNORER
SHLIMAZL
SHVONTZ
SHVITZER
SHLONDRIK
SHMENDRIK
SHPAIEN
SHVIGUER
SHVER
SHVESTER
SHADCHN
SHMEICHL
SHTOLTZ
SHLUGN
SHMALTZ
SHOIN
SHLEIKES
SHARF
SHPEIT
SHTIL
SHTELN
SHABES
SHUCHN
SHULEM
SHLUFN
SHLEPN
SHPILN
SHRAIEN
SHNAIDER
SHKUTZEM
SHEIGUETZ
and?
SHIKSE.

or phrazes like....

SHTIPN arain
SHTECHN un raizn
SHTOCH arbet
SHTARK vi a ferd
SHPILKES in tuches
SHEINER tuches
SHMUTZIKE chaie
SHVARTZE iurn
SHTIKL fleish
SHTIK drek
Foile SHTIK
Er PISHT oif SHTEINER
SHEINE reine kapure
Der fidler SHKRIPET oif maine nervn
SHTARB avek
A SHMUK, a gitn
Got vet dir SHTRUFN
SHIKER mit ein SHNAPS

or riming marvelous verses like.....

Di levune SHAINT, di SHTERN blitzn,
Main potz SHTEIT un maine eier SHVITZN

A gite nacht !!!

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Psalm 22 Re-Interpeted

The Lord is my Shepherd...
That's Relationship!

I shall not want...
That's Supply!

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures...
That's Rest!

He leadeth me beside the still waters...
That's Refreshment!

He restoreth my soul...
That's Healing!

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness...
That's Guidance!

For His name sake...
That's Purpose!

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...
That's Testing!

I will fear no evil...
That's Protection!

For Thou art with me...
That's Faithfulness!

Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me...
That's Discipline!

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies...
That's Hope!

Thou annointest my head with oil...
That's Consecration!

My cup runneth over...
That's Abundance!

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life...
That's Blessing!

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord...
That's Security!

Forever and ever...
That's Eternity!

What is most valuable, is not what we have in our lives, but WHO we have in our lives!

Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away!

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New Yorkers

People say New Yorkers can't get along and won't share cabs.

Not true.

I saw 2 New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab.

One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine and the bumpers.

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Don't give up...

Moses was once a basket case.

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Do you see the Light??

A person walks into a dermatologist’s office asking for help. “I think I’m a moth.”

The dermatologist says, “You don’t need a dermatologist, you need a psychologist.”

The patient say’s, “Yes, I know.”

The doctor asks, “Well, if you know you need a psychologist, why did you come in here.”

The patient answers, “Well your light was on…”

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From the Mouth's of Children...

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a dead cat. “How do you know?” she asked her pupil.

“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.

“You did WHAT?!?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

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Another Blessed Child...

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, “.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think the farmer said?”

One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!’”

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

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~~~~~~~

from the January 2011 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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