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God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me abpit it." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of man and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting...show Me." So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

"No, no, no," interrupts God, "first create your own dirt."

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I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.

If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Which reminds me that when I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

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Why do black widow spiders kill the males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.

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Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating. A woman over heard her aunt and uncle one day:

"What are you looking for in that closet?" Sadie asked.

"Nothing," Morris answered.

"Well, it's not in there. Look under the bed."

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An elderly couple in a retirement community was surprised by a knock on their door late one night. Jerry, the husband got up to answer the door, only to find a huge and intimidating man staring back at him.

"Oh, this is terrible! I'm going to be robbed and lose all my money!" the old man screamed.

"I'm not a robber," said the man in disgust. "I am a rapist."

"Oh, thank goodness!" said Jerry with much relief. Then he shouted, "Elaine, it's for you!"

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My mom is very very possessive. She calls me up and says, "You did come home last night to visit me. Why not?"

I said, "Well Mom, I'm cheating on you with another mother."

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An elderly gentlemen had just driven onto the freeway. Moments later he got a call from his wife. "Honey," she says, "the radio just announced that a car is going the wrong way on the freeway. Please be careful!"

"One car?" he says. "There are hundreds of them all around me!"

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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it; mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I'M P-E-R-F-E-C-T FOR THE JOB!

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If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

(Creepy.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Do not try this at home....... maybe at work.)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn! to spread the stupidity. If you send this page to one hundred friends, you will have many friends.

Aditional point of interest:

Don't Squat with your Spurs on

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I read an article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.

Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

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