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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

Tax Audit

The IRS decides to audit Morris, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Morris shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Morris. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Morris says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Morris removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Morris says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Morris isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Morris removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Morris's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Morris asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Morris stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just cancelled a major loss. But Morris's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Morris told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and not only that but you'd be happy about it!'

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Take My Wife, Please

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat where he sawed a man in half, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"

I could show you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then...just show my wife!"

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Tit for Tat

Morris was pulled over by a cop. The cop says to the guy "You're eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking?"

The guy says to the cop "Ya, and if you're eyes are glazed does it mean that you been eating donuts?"

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Wow! Such Great News!!

The doctor took Moshe into the room and said, "Moshe, I have some good news and some bad news."

Moshe said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

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Good Thinking?

A couple has not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,

"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."

Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.

She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"

He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

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Points to Ponder

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

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One man yells to another on the opposite side of the river: "How do I get to the other side of this river?"

The other man yells back: "You are on the other side!"

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Harmony in New York

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

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Remember the Alamo, but not me

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

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Give me a minute, maybe I can understand this...

A young man came to a rabbi and said, "Rabbi, I know I'm a fool but I don't know what to do about it."

The rabbi retorted, "Son, if you know you're a fool then certainly you are no fool."

"Then why does everyone say I am a fool?" asked the young man.

"If", said the rabbi, "you yourself don't know why you're a fool but listen to others who say you are, then you surely are a fool!"

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from the March 2009 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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