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With Special Thanks to Sid Kliener...
"Keeping One's Word"
There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their
money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even
attended the same synagogue, and looked to be perfect Jews.
Then, their Rabbi retired, and a new one was hired. Not only
could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also
spoke well and true, and the synagogue started to swell in
numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining
brother sought out the new Rabbi the day before the funeral
and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying
for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you
must say my brother was a saint." The Rabbi gave his word,
and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the Rabbi did not hold back. "He
was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused
his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he
"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
The tourist was invited to visit the tomb of Israel's
unknown soldier and was shocked when taken there-----he could
NOT believe his eyes.
There in big letters was inscribed, "Here lies Hyman
The tourist inquired of his guide, "How can this be the
tomb of the unknown soldier with the name upon it?"
"As a soldier", he was assured, "he was unknown, but as a
furrier, he was famous."
In recent news.......Discovery.....
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and
discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these
pieces for a long time,
announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a
nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily
ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper.
100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and
they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years
ago already had a nationwide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100
and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely
nothing... ...They concluded that the ancient Hebrews
55,000 years ago had cellular telephones...
Subject: Why G-d never got a Ph.d.
1. He has only one major publication.
2. It was published
only in Hebrew.
3. It has no references and no bibliography.
community has had a hard time replicating his results.
5. His office hours were sporadic and often held
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much
fraternizing with the enemy.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
like an idiot.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I
think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already
tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia - then
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read.
Character is what you are. - Reputation is what people think
Drive carefully - It's not only cars that can be recalled by
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to
admire his work..
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't
understand two things:
1 - Women,
2 - Fractions.
There once was a Jew who came to a crossing guard on a bicycle.
He said,"What's in the sacks?"
Sand. said the bicyclist,.BR>
Sure it is? said the guard
So he got it analyzed for all the usual contraband.
The Report said it was sand.
So, the bicyclist loaded up his sand and went on his way.
Day by day the same thing happened, month after month,
soon year by year. The guard had stop checking him already long ago.
He was shocked when one day the bicyclist didn't come.
He went to Israel to have a vacation. He met his friend the bicyclist in
They were talking He said, " OK where here alone, I won't tell anyone. What
in the world are you smuggling?"
He said, "BICYCLES"