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A women speaker was addressing a large group and said, “Where would man be today if it were not for woman?”

She paused a moment and looked around the room. “I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?”

From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.”

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"Somebody stole my wife's credit card."

"That's terrible."

"Not really. Whoever took it is spending a lot less than she did."

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An atheist is walking through the forest. Suddenly Big Foot jumps out in front of him. Petrified, the atheist yells out, “Oh God, please save me!”

A booming voice from above responds, “I thought you made it pretty clear all your life that you don’t believe in me.”

The frightened man responds, “Well until a minute ago, I didn’t believe in Big Foot either!”

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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous … not everyone has met me yet.

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A Jewish man is driving down the freeway when all of a sudden a Highway Patrol officer pulls him over. He runs over to the car in a hurry motioning for him to roll down his window and screaming "Sir, sir, your wife fell out of the car two miles back."

David sighs a huge sigh of relief and says "Thank goodness, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to prison.

They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.

The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to Murray.

"This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he spits in the sergeants face.

"Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."

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A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.

"No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."

"But the collar is up around my ears!"

"It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a little more ... that's it."

"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.

"Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."

So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the street. Reba and Florence see him go by.

"Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"

"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."

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In high school, I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.
- Rita Rudner

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It's the yahtzeit of Bernie Gold's death and Sadie, his widow, goes to the cemetery to clean his grave, read a prayer and then place a small stone on the marble, as is the tradition, to show that the deceased is remembered.

But because she hadn't visited his grave for some years, Sadie cannot find Bernie's resting place and has to ask an attendant for help. He escorts her to the cemetery office where all the records are kept. He made her a cup of coffee and then spent time looking at maps and lists. After 30 minutes, he finally turns to Sadie and says, "I can find no record of a Bernie Gold buried at this cemetery. Are you sure he is here? All I can find is the grave of Sadie Gold"

"That's him!" Sadie shouts out. "Bernie always put everything in my name."

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Bernie and Esther were not the most religious Jews and in fact they really only went to Temple once a year. As they were leaving the Temple, the Rabbi said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!"

"I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."

"That's great," the Rabbi said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."

"Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four."

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