The Jewish Humor and Joke Page


Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

National Arafat Day

Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer:

"You will die on a Jewish holiday."

"Which one?" Arafat asks nervously.

It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Jewish Holiday"

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"Oh, To Be Ten Again"

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said,..... "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park.

He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head spinning and her stomach upside down.

Into the local burger joint they went, where she was given a Double Big Burger with extra fries smothered with kethcup and a large cherry coke. Then off to a theater to see Star Wars- more hot dogs, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, I meant dress size."

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People Are Like Potatoes

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands. They are called "Dick Tators"

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called "Speck Tators".

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called "Comment Tators".

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called "Agie Tators".

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called "Hezzie Tators".

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called "Emma Tators".

Then there are those who love and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called "Sweet Tators".

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The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch, and many others.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man "who never knew how much he was kneaded."

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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Finding the Good News

An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Rev. Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by and sees the paper, stops -- in shock.

"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading a Jewish Journal!"

The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journals have stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel -- all kinds of troubles of the Jewish people. Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money...the Jews control the banks...the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood... Better to read nothing but good news!"

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Ask the Rabbi
Modern Halacha (Jewish Law)

Skip this if you ain't ultra orthodox!!

Q: Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on Shabbos?
A: Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened. Then it is considered as if you are wearing the plane.

Q: On Sukkos, is one allowed to use hoshanas if he knows they have been stolen?
A: What's the matter, you never heard of a Hoshana Robber?

Q: Does the Talmudic tractate Bubbe Metzia refer to a young bubbe or to an old bubbe?
A: A young bubbe. If she were an old bubbe, she wouldn't be a metzia.

Q: Are women in shul allowed to be given hagbah?
A: Only those willing to take the Law into their own hands.

Q: According to halacha, is smoking permissible, even if it endangers your health?
A: Yes, as long as you sell your lungs to a non-Jew.

Next month, the Rabbi will deal with whether you are allowed to launder money on Chol HaMoed.

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Quick Quips

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

I don't get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am an escapee of a political correction facility.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever

I believe in youthenasia

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Not afraid of heights -- afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

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Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, " Hey DeBakey...Is dat you ? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, " So Mr. fancy doctor, look at dis work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you gets da big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work ? "

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris,....."Try doing your work with the engine running. "

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Noah and the Ark

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping...And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.

Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls."

"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."

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Pet Peeve

One of my pet peeves is women who don't put the toilet seat back up when they're finished.

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