Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page

            December 2013    
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Buzz Off!

One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.

"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.

"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."

Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.

"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.

"Great!" replies the second.

The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?"

"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a WASP."

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Could be...

The patient came into the doctor's office, suffering from amnesia.

The doctor asked, "Have you ever had it before?"

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Professionally Speaking

A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening night of a musical during intermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body. She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.

After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know professionally."

His wife asked dryly, "Hers or Yours?"

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Points to Ponder

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who know binary, and those who don't.

A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says: "Make me one with everything".

A Talmudist's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The Talmudist comes home with 12 loaves of bread. (only a Brisker can understand this joke)

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A few minutes before the Kol Nidre service was scheduled to begin, the congregation was sitting attentively awaiting the beginning of the service.

Suddenly, the Malchamuvis (e.g. Satan/Angel of Death) appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the shul was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

In true Yiddish form the man replied, "Do you know who I am?"

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Hapsolutely not!" said the man."

Don't you realize I can kill you without a word?" asked Satan.

"Be my guest." replied the old man, in an even tone.

"Don't you know that I can cause you profound horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Ein kleinikit!" (big deal) was the man's calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"A nechtagine tugh!" (no way!) said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why is it you're not afraid of me?"

"Because" the man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for 62 years!"

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Take Note..

A Synagogue got really fed up with its Rabbi. The Executive Committee met and none-too-reluctantly, concluded that they'd have to let him go. Trouble was - who'd want to take him - especially if it got out that he'd been fired? So the Executive Committee decided to give him a glowing letter of recommendation. It compared the Rabbi to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself. The recommendation was so warm that within six weeks the Rabbi succeeded in securing himself a pulpit in a major, upwardly-mobile Synagogue 500 miles away, at twice his original salary and with three junior Rabbis working under him.

Needless to say, in a couple of months the Rabbi's new employers began to observe some of his imperfections. The President of the Rabbi's new pulpit angrily called the President of the old Synagogue charging "We employed this man mostly on the basis of your recommendation. How could you possibly compare him to Shakespeare, Moses and even G~d Himself, when he can't string together a correct sentence in English, when his knowledge of Hebrew is worse than mine and that on top of everything else, he's a liar, a cheat and an all-round low-life ?"

"Simple,"answered his colleague. "Like Shakespeare, he has no Hebrew or Jewish knowledge. Like Moses, he can't speak English, and like G~d Himself - 'Er is nisht kan mensch (He's not a human being!)."

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No dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

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Bed Near the Window, Please!

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Care Home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No", he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

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Setting Things Right

A recent article in the Post reported that a woman has sued the local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "The man in question was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was to correct his eyesight."

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from the December 2013 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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